BUFFALO BILLS QUARTERBACK MATH

During the game Sunday, a comment was made that no matter how you look at it, 7 + 5 does not equal 12. This obviously being that Losman plus Edwards does not add up to my man Machine Gun Kelly. We decided to dig a little deeper and see if the Bills quarterback controversies of the past could be solved with some not so complex math.

If you have any other equations that need to be solved, possibly by using wide receiver size numbers and square roots and the inverse of i, please let us know by sending an email to ohyougotserved@gmail.com


Cheers fuckers.

Cardinals 41, the Bills 17

After watching the game Sunday and letting it digest a little bit, I find myself struggling to determine whether Sundays should remain the day for football or revert back to the day of the Lord. The biblical parallels were present, but needed some soul searching to find.

The Bills offensive line assembled in Voltron like fashion to form a monstrous Moses that parted the Red Sea of Arizona defenders to allow for their linebackers and DB's to relentlessly pound on whatever lied in the backfield. After Edwards went down, I found myself praying that Losman could come in and hail us to victory, but avoid the divine crown of our new "Sunday Savior." But at least they had some positives.

....now children, let's turn our bibles to the book of defense, 3rd:13. Could our 3rd down percentage have been any worse? Could the completed passes in triple coverage have been avoided? Could 4-5 yards after contact have been prevented? I heard the term "quick slant" so many times, I had to keep turning around to make sure there were no ninjas around. And if Ken Whisenhunt was Noah, he definitely asked that Hightower and Fitzgerald escort a pair of touchdowns a piece to the Ark of the Endzone. I think the most enjoyment I got out of the game was hearing the name "Hightower" and immediately having some recollection of the Police academy movies. After further investigation, I have determined that the resemblance was name/cast name only and there is no chance that Bubba Smith and Leslie Easterbrook had an interracial fling and created Tim. See Below:Well either way, when the floods came, it was Losman who would lead the lemmings to drown. Losman, who has been donning the black beard since spring training was called in early to lead the team in Edwards' absence. Let me summarize how this went.
1. Fumble
2. Touchdown
3. Touchdown
4. Interception

Sure 2 scores are a silver lining on a shit cloud, but I feel I have it out for this fella. Who knows why? I'm sure he's a solid dude to troll for trim with, but I sincerely doubt his leadership and composure abilities. I doubt that there is going to be any talks whatsoever hinting at a quarterback controversy in Buffalo. Once Edwards is cleared, back to work. If these two were biblical brothers fighting it out for the job, the choice would be clear. Cain vs. Unabel, and score 1 for the Cain corner.

Better Late Than Never.....

...and I am not talking about a womans monthly draining. A new hockey season looms and the wheels are turning. Stay tuned as carelesswhiskers makes its triumphant return latter on this month.

Cheers fuckface.

Adolf Hechtler

What better way to keep with drawing the parallels between current foreign born Sabres vs. important historical nationalists would be find one of the needle in the haystack German born hockey players in the NHL.
Jochen Hecht, drafted by St. Louis, played 6 minutes in Edmonton before settling in Buffalo. His English has come along better that spotty Spaceks so his postgame ramblings dont have the zest of Adolf's Danzig speech.
Now, I dont even want to speculate or associate my man here with A.H., but this Adler Mannheim Steamroller was rumored to be bringing the mustache back stating, "Es ist nicht Herr Hitler's faulten das dieser Schnurrbart hat aus von style gegangen."

Translation - "It's not Mr. Hitler's fault that the moustache went out of style."

Important Things To Note Here:

1. My Genglish is slipping

2. I didn't even have to use a translator to recall "Schnurrbart."

On nearly every great man (in NASCAR), there used to be a great 'stache (courtesy of Winnipeg Chet, www.espn.com)

Watching classic NASCAR races -- especially the Daytona 500s shown earlier this season on ESPN Classic -- you see some of the greatest of the Great American Races.
Mustaches In NASCAR
From The King to The Intimidator to The Kid to Paul Menard today, facial hair has always been a part of of NASCAR. Take a look at the history of mustachioed (or not) rogues of the raceway. Zoom Gallery
You may be introduced for the first time to drivers like the Allisons, Richard Petty, Cale Yarborough and Dale Earnhardt, some of the racers who laid the framework for what NASCAR and the Daytona 500 have become. You see the classic paint schemes running out on the track like the black No. 3, the STP No. 43 and the Spam car.
One thing is a little troubling, however. Where have all the great mustaches gone?
Many of the great drivers had mustaches.
Petty, Earnhardt, Dale Jarrett, Terry Labonte. All these drivers got their cookie dusters in Victory Lane multiple times and their kisses on championship trophies were cushioned by a luxurious layer of lip hair.
Even Jeff Gordon sported one of the most fantastically cheesy mustaches during his days in the Nationwide Series.
What was it about the mustache? Did it somehow lower wind resistance as the drivers sailed around superspeedways? Would a mustache give a driver the confidence and nerve to make a three-wide pass in the waning laps? Could mustache hair be the secret illegal additive that was put in Michael Waltrip's intake manifold last year?
Gordon's career didn't take off until he shaved his mustache, but some stars' careers faded only when they lost their spiritual connection with Tom Selleck and other mustachioed soulmates.
Labonte's face was the only thing smooth about him at the end of his career. He won just one race after the turn of the millennium.
In 1999, Dale Jarrett won the Cup series championship. In 2000, he showed up at Daytona without his nose neighbor. Laughing superstition and mustache power in the face, Jarrett finished fourth in points, then fifth the next year, ninth in 2002 and then 26th in 2003.
I'm not going to get into the story of Samson right now, but the dude's gotta keep his mustache.
Dale Earnhardt showed up at the Brickyard in 1999 sans soup strainer, the first time in 17 years he had shaved it off.
He didn't win that race. A respectable 10th was all he could pull off. Earnhardt had to shave his mustache to help him snorkel with Waltrip. I couldn't make that story up, it's just not possible. Maybe I should say it again for added emphasis and bold it with italics … Dale Earnhardt shaved his mustache to help him snorkel alongside Michael Waltrip.
Is the mustache doomed, or will today's aspiring drivers see the light of growing a misplaced eyebrow? If not a mustache, then what's next in line for trendy facial hair in the Sprint Cup Series?
What about the Boris Said-ish goatee, maybe minus some of the salt-and-pepper look.
You wouldn't have to have the dedication to replicate the whole Said look, complete with the 'fro, but a goatee is always pretty cool-looking. However, a driver can earn the undying affection of fans if he goes the distance and goes for the Alexi Lalas look.
Many of our heroes sport goatees of some sort: Uncle Sam, Pat Morita, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Count Von Count, Colonel Sanders. I could go on, but I probably shouldn't.
Long sideburns could be the next hot look. Sam Hornish Jr. will challenge Paul Menard this season for the best, most well-maintained sideburns in the series. Not only do you have to trim and shape, but you have to be symmetrical. I love that dedication.
Menard can throw in the soul patch with his as well, which earns him bonus points on my scale. Can somebody take it to the next level in 2008 and go all-out mutton chops?
A look that's gained steam is the 48-hour stubble. Dale Earnhardt Jr. rolled into some news conferences last season looking like a college student walking into an 8 a.m. class. Not quite a beard, but far from clean-shaven.
Tony Stewart can sport a 425-grit stubble, which is perfect for smoothing out some Home Depot lumber. Stewart could grow a 48-hour stubble in about 10 hours, or, the approximate length of time it takes to run 500 miles at Pocono.
Perhaps the clean-cut, baby-smooth look will continue to prevail. We have drivers sponsored by Gillette, and very few sponsored by companies that sell mustache wax.
And besides, it can get itchy in those helmets.

There's No Stalin This Russian

Generations apart and bearing no resemblance in appearance or achievement, this weeks hair-brid features Russian ruler Josef Stalin (Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili) and Buffalo Sabres forward Maxim Afinogenov.

Stalin was responsible for the "Great Purges." Max thought the great purges was the local phone book where a number could be attained.

Stalin was a strategist who rallied his country in the efforts to defeat Nazi Germany. Max was instrumental in his non-passing efforts and solo fancy footing in the Sabres' President Trophy Winning Season. Although not an achievement with globally historic implications, but probably caused grief for several Canadian Countrymen while embarrasing the Leafs on any given game night. Not a Russian defeat of Canada in the slightest.

Stalin was involved in Socialist Realism. Max is a constant contributor to the efforts of I.R. Frequency Analysis and Adaptation. (IRFAA)

Stalin made company with Kalinin, and Lenin whilst at Bolshevik party meetings where they planned secretly to oust conspirators and threats to the party's progress. Afinogenov also makes company with a Kalinin, and a Spacek. Most of their conversation consists of Vodka, Beetches, and Drew Stafford's Keg Parties.

A brief factual blurb drawing absolutely no parallels whatsoever but at least we can rest easy knowing that putting a rediculous and historical womb broom on a current Sabre is just a few mouse clicks away.

Feature Beard #3 - Keep The Dream Alive

Gone are the days of the proverbial knight in shining armor, exhuding pure chivalry, wit, and charm when it comes to the ladies. But one man is navigating that vagina safari, even though he looks like he came from the jungle himself.
Terry Croaker is a wrench at a local greasemonkey's oil change and lube. Now you might remember that greasemonkey's went out of business in the late 80's, but so did Terry's hair line. Terry's fading glory doesn't stop him however when it comes to shootin down cougars at T-Birds with his branded pickup line, "your feet must be small, cause there ain't nothing growing in the shade of those knockers." You laugh, but here is an example of his latest trophies.
Jealous? You should be.
The insurance secretary, the truckstop diner waitress, and the mother of 5 who's husband is too busy routing out his assistants baby cave instead of paying attention to her needs...and incessant bitching.
Terry will listen. Terry will make you laugh. Terry is an inspiration to ugly men everywhere. Against the odds he fights through...even though if you put clown makeup on him I swear he would look like the type that would violate a child or three.

Actually instead of honoring this guy I would like to shift this to amber alert, cause there must be a kid missing somewhere. I cant get that fucking clown image out of my head.

Johnny Wadd A Wonderful World

Tis a sad day indeed when we shift not to the honor of a great splendor of lip hair, but to the rembrance of a moustached man who boasted just as much on his vagina taster as his vagina tester. John Holmes died this day in the year 1988 of the ninja (better known as AIDS).

Johns work, which may have included over 2500 appearances in film, include but are obviously not limited to: Sex and the single vampire, Johnny Wadd, Liquid Lips, Up and Coming, Eruption, Pizza Girls and my personal favorite, Saturday Night Beaver.

John's most notable contribution to the business was not his body of work but rather the constant and still ongoing debate about his penis size. Claims of 10" to 16" were boasted by Holmes, depending on his mood and drug intake for the day. Another important variable in the calculation is how trimmed his boosh was at the moment. Most notable was the last measurement taken by the coroner after his death and he still boasted 8.75" whilst flacid. This obviously not being a form field on a coroners report was documented in pencil on the back side of the third page.

JH also had claimed to have slept with over 20,000 women which based some quick web math over a 20 year period would average out to:

• 700 women a year
• 1.9 women per day
• .08 women per hour
• .0013 women per minute
• .000022 women per second

I am not sure pubescent boys think about it as much as he was slaying it.

The Grizzly Adams Division

Clark MacArthur seems to have been a hot topic with the Sabres organization this season, winning the Annual Sabres Saavy competition in the demographics of 15-18 year old girls, 34 year old mothers of college students, and 21-24 year old gay male postal workers.

Upon his first visit to the team showers this year, he was fortunate to learn about the "Tallinder Towel Whip," the "T-Bo Bag Slap," the "Regier Rear Entry," and most notably why Max Afinogenov is the best "dangler" on the team. (Why is Darcy showering with the guys?)

Many game goers will refer to Clark as "The General" but it is widely known that his nickname is "GRIZZ." No, not after Jeremy, but after Clark W. Griswold of National Lampoons fame. But what if they just called him Grizz cause when dude decides to throw the razor away he looks like Dan Haggerty's character Grizzly Adams. Please note our Photoshop Lab has provided stubble growth evolution imagery.

Dan's beard was undoubtedly skilled , known to trap birds and small game inside of it. But the real test Clark is, how good can your beard stick handle, make a no-look pass, or even congratulate a linemate on a goal.

Following his reassignment to Rochester, AND another loss this evening to the Pingus..we will have to stay tuned for a call up.

Clark, if I was a 21-24 year old gay postal worker I'd totally let your grizzle tickle my bean bag. What?

Moustache Ride Revisited

The 1980's was undoubtedly a cornucopia of poontang for a strapping young hollywood cocksman, Mr. Tom Selleck. Tom would steer clear of controversy by burying his bones in the backyards of B to D list young starlets.

CWdC based on striking similarities, has opened a paternal investigation into the possibilities that TS fathered now Buffalo Sabre, Drew Stafford. Notice the eyebrows, the ocular setting, the smile, and most notably, a computer generated profile of what Drews moustache would look like. The two are scheduled to settle this live on a Maury Povich rerun, in late 2004.

Newest Web-Log.

Feature Beard #002 - A. Bling Kin

It was the early 1860's and "Ol' Blind Lemon Jefferson" was fresh off his retirement as conductor of the underground railroad. Slavery was on the decline but racial tensions were quickly reaching an ebony crescendo.

These "careless whiskers" were the end Jeffersons tenure as a human being after showing up to a Hallow's Eve Celebration dressed as Honest Abe. He was not killed, but was the first African American to attend mandatory college for impersonating the president. He never graduated.

Feature Beard #001 - The Sleeper

Scott "The Sleeper" Parker (shown left) is the guy who never attempted to grow anything more than burns below the ear lobe. Someone told him beards were coming back, and the next day he shows up with THIS FUCKING THING.

Several of his friends have been growing for years, and this asshole shows up to the clubhouse with his new friend, Moses.

Sidenote: Scott is a graduate of St. Olaf Lutheran College in Minnesota. Rose Nylund (Golden Girls) was from St. Olaf. But I think that was in Norway.

Either way, Fuck off Scott.

Kenny Rogers Welcomes You

Hi I'm Kenny Rogers and I would like to welcome you to, careless whiskers.com. We here at the CWdC would like to let you know that everything is open for discussion here. Beards, MUSTaches, Growtees, even unkempt pube booshes are fair game.

So sit back and relax. For those of you on your computers, remove your pants, light a cigar, and pour yourself a high ball cause things is about to get ugly.

And by ugly I mean downright beautiful.

Eat a dick.

Kenny.